theauthor'searnestcryandprayer totherighthonourableandhonourablescotch representativesinthehouseofcommons. dearestofdistillation!lastandbest— —howartthoulost!— parodyonmion. yeirishlords,yeknightsan'squires, wharepresentourbrughsan'shires, an'doucelymanageouraffairs inparliament, toyouasimplepoet'spray'rs arehumblysent. alas!myroupitmuseishearse! yourhonours'heartswi'grief'twadpierce, toseehersittinonherarse lowi'thedust, andscriechinhoutprosaicverse, anliketobrust! telhemwhahaethechiefdirection, scotlandan'me'singreataffliction, e'ersin'theylaidthatcurstrestriction onaqua-vitae an'rousethemuptostrongconviction, an'movetheirpity. standforthan'tellyonpremieryouth thehonest,open,nakedtruth: tellhimo'minean'scotland'sdrouth, hisservantshumble: themuckledeevilblawyousouth ifyedissemble! doesonygreatmanglunchan'gloom? speakout,an'neverfashyourthumb! letpostsan'pensionssinkorsoom wi'themwhagrantthem ifhonestlytheycannacome, farbetterwantthem. ingath'rinvotesyouwerenaslack nowstandastightlybyyourtack: ne'erclawyourlug,an'fidgeyourback, an'human'haw butraiseyourarm,an'tellyourcrack beforethema'. paintscotlandgreetinowreherthrissle hermutchkinstowpastoom'sawhissle an'damn'dexcisemeninabussle, seizinastell, triumphantcrushin'tlikeamussel, orlimpetshell! then,onthetitherhandpresenther— ablackguardsmugglerrightbehinther, an'cheek-for-chow,achuffievintner colleaguingjoin, pickingherpouchasbareaswinter ofa'kindcoin. isthere,thatbearsthenameo'scot, butfeelshisheart'sbluidrisinghot, toseehispoorauldmither'spot thusdunginstaves, an'plunder'do'herhindmostgroat bygallowsknaves? alas!i'mbutanamelesswight, trodei'themireouto'sight? butcouldilikemontgomeriesfight, orgablikeboswell, there'ssomesark-necksiwaddrawtight, an'tiesomehosewell. godblessyourhonours!canyesee't— thekind,auldcantiecarlingreet, an'nogetwarmlytoyourfeet, an'garthemhearit, an'telhemwi'apatriot-heat yewinnabearit? someo'younicelykenthelaws, toroundtheperiodan'pause, an'withrhetoricclauseonclause tomakharangues thenechothro'saintstephen'swa's auldscotland'swrangs. dempster,atruebluescoti'sewarran' thee,aith-detesting,chastekilkerran an'thatglib-gabbithighlandbaron, thelairdo'graham an'ane,achapthat'sdamn'daulfarran', dundashisname: erskine,aspunkienorlandbillie truecampbells,frederickandilay an'livistone,thebauldsirwillie an'monyithers, whomaulddemosthenesortully mightownforbrithers. seesodgerhugh,mywatchmanstented, ifpoetse'erarerepresented ikenifthatyourswordwerewanted, ye'dlendahand butwhenthere'soughttosayanentit, ye'reatastand. arouse,myboys!exertyourmettle, togetauldscotlandbackherkettle orfaith!i'llwadmynewpleugh-pettle, ye'llsee'torlang, she'leachyou,wi'areekinwhittle, anithersang. thiswhileshe'sbeenincrankousmood, herlostmilitiafir'dherbluid (deilnatheynevermairdoguid, play'dherthatpliskie!) an'nowshe'sliketorinred-wud aboutherwhisky. an'lord!ifancetheypithertill't, hertartanpetticoatshe'llki, an'durkan'pistolatherbe, she'lakthestreets, an'rinherwhittletothehi, i'thefirstshemeets! forgodsake,sirs!thenspeakherfair, an'straikhercanniewi'thehair, an'tothemucklehouserepair, wi'instantspeed, an'strive,wi'a'yourwitan'lear, togetremead. yonill-tongu'dtinkler,charliefox, maytauntyouwi'hisjeersandmocks butgiehim'thet,myheartycocks! e'encowethecadie! an'sendhimtohisdicingbox an'sportin'lady. tellyouguidbluido'auldboconnock's, i'llbehisdebttwamashlumbonnocks, an'drinkhisheahinauldnancetinnock's ninetimesa-week, ifhesomescheme,liketeaan'winnocks, waskindlyseek. couldhesomecommutationbroach, i'llpledgemyaithinguidbraidscotch, heneednafeartheirfoulreproach norerudition, yonmixtie-maxtie,queerhotch-potch, thecoalition. auldscotlandhasaraucletongue she'sjustadevilwi'arung an'ifshepromiseauldoryoung totaktheirpart, tho'bythenecksheshouldbestrung, she'llnodesert. andnow,yechosenfive-and-forty, maystillyoumither'sheartsupportye then,tho'aministergrowdorty, an'kickyourplace, ye'llsnapyourgingers,pooran'hearty, beforehisface. godblessyourhonours,a'yourdays, wi'sowpso'kailandbratso'claise, inspiteo'a'thethievishkaes, thathauntst.jamie's! yourhumblepoetsingsan'prays, whilerabhisnameis. postscript lethalf-starv'dslavesinwarmerskies seefuturewines,rich-clust'ring,rise theirlotauldscotlandne'reenvies, but,blytheandfrisky, sheeyesherfreeborn,martialboys takafftheirwhisky. whattho'theirphoebuskinderwarms, whilefragrancebloomsandbeautycharms, whenwretchesrange,infamish'dswarms, thescentedgroves or,houndedforth,dishonourarms inhungrydroves! theirgun'saburdenontheirshouther theydownabidethestinko'powther theirbauldestthought'sahank'ringswither tostan'orrin, tillskelp—ashot—they'reaff,a'throw'ther, tosavetheirskin. butbringascotchmanfraehishill, clapinhischeekahighlandgill, say,suchisroyalgeorge'swill, an'there'sthefoe! hehasnaethoughtbuthowtokill twaatablow. naecauld,faint-hearteddoubtingsteasehim deathcomes,wi'fearlesseyeheseeshim wi'bluidyhandawelcomegieshim an'whenhefa's, hislatestdraughto'breathinlea'eshim infainthuzzas. sagestheirsolemneenmaysteek, an'raiseaphilosophicreek, an'physicallycausesseek, inclimean'season buttellmewhisky'snameingreek i'lelhereason. scotland,myauld,respectedmither! tho'whilesyemoistifyyourleather, till,whareyesitoncrapso'heather, yetineyourdam freedoman'whiskygangthegither! takeaffyourdram!